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[30 Sep 2008|11:30pm] |
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cynical |
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i was going to update this, but instead i think i'll just delete it after i save every entry.
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| blow up the outside world. |
[24 Feb 2008|11:28pm] |
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years ago, i wanted to become someone who i barely am today. somehow along the way, things got warped, and i almost got swept up in a meaningless shallow wave of uncertainty, fear, and self doubt. i got off track...scary. it was gradual, so it was hard to notice, but i always felt something was a bit "off." my most powerful moments had nothing to do with success, being social, or appearance--it was always late at night--me alone in my room with a spiral notebook and a cd player held together by scotch tape. i was happiest when i was broke and my clothes were falling apart--running across multiple lanes of traffic without a care about anything unimportant in the world. right now i don't know what to do because i don't know what i want. a lot of it probably has to do with "the age" but somehow i feel like it's more than that. when did certain things become okay? when did i allow the opinions of others to affect the way i perceived myself? i tend to see through a lot of bullshit, but somehow i still manage to give into them just enough. things used to be so distinguishable. i try to look for outlets, but around every corner, there's more shallow waste of space, vision, sound...more disappointments. maybe this existed all along and i never realized it because of age or lack of awareness, but either way, i despise it. it's time for a revival...back to basics...back to passion. i am better than this.
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[07 Dec 2007|09:37pm] |
Use Google image search, search for following things and post one picture you find on the first page:
1. The age you will be on your next birthday 2. A place you'd like to travel 3. Your favorite place 4. Your favorite object 5. Your favorite food 6. Your favorite animal 7. Your favorite color 8. The town/city in which you live 9. The name of a past pet 10. The first name of a past love 11. Your nickname/screen name 12. Your first name 13. Your middle name 14. Your last name 15. A bad habit of yours 16. Your first job 17. Your grandmother’s name 18. Your major in college
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[20 Nov 2007|12:43am] |
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music |
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soundgarden-blow up the outside world |
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The "Forbidden Page" According to an article written by Tim Appelo in the Seattle Weekly in 2002, journalists were banned from printing page 204 of Journals (hardcover) in articles or reviews, ostensibly because of its dark content. The page features a drawing of Cobain's face, torn from a comic book, shouting a refrain from the chorus of his most popular song, "Smells Like Teen Spirit": "With the lights out, it's less dangerous / Here we are now, entertain us!" Under the drawing is a sketch by Cobain of the rest of his body until his hips, its skeletal frame contrasting sharply with the furious-looking comic book image. Above the drawing-collage are six lines cut-and-pasted from an Alicia Ostriker poem called "A Young Woman, A Tree". The six lines, which begin the poem, describe a girl who passes a blooming tree, and envies its beauty; it has been suggested that by juxtaposing these lines with his emaciated self-portrait, Cobain was making a comment on his own loss of creativity and his personal image being in contrast to his public one.
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| untainted. |
[15 Nov 2007|02:03am] |
last thursday (11/8/07), i drove four hours to greenville, north carolina (anything for the mighty sp) to finally cross a lifelong goal off of my list: to see the smashing pumpkins live. the smashing pumpkins have been my one of my "top" bands for years (if not the "top") and when they reunited last year (well, half of them reunited), i literally cried from joy. this past summer, i had three opportunities to see them in concert, but couldn't because of money, time, and/or family obligations. so you can imagine my excitement when they added a "random" or "surprise" stop to their tour in greenville. the (sometimes boring) narrative details are as follows: tire paranoia at sheetz/wawa...broken air pumps...behaving like a damsel in distress 85>301 when it comes to boring-ness nc=one big ashtray filled with potholes arriving at 5 pm (two hours before doors open at 7) parking next to the tour buses (teehee) being asked if i "needed help" while wandering thinking i'm oddly the first person there peeing in wendy's arriving back to finally find some other people there...random guy asked me where i was from and if i knew "becky akers"...i said no and asked, "why...was she bad?" he said, "as a girlfriend." random venue employee handing out parking tickets/passes and charging ten dollars for parking (btw, this is THE most unorganized place i've ever been to in my life, i think) parking confusion, resulting in me driving around for 30-45 minutes trying to find a fucking parking spot that won't result in me being towed. i finally get a parking pass and park in...the same exact spot where i was earlier. kind of humiliating to keep walking back and forth amongst the staff next to the tour buses...i just tell them that i'm not from around here. i get back to the line, where now even more people are waiting...i place myself towards the front of the line (cutting, that's right) and oddly, no one seems to object. finally, we're let in, searched, etc. earlier, i spotted a sign that said "no professional cameras...no lenses of any kind...etc etc." at first, i figured, "okay no professional cameras...i'm good." but then i see the "no lenses of any kind" and decide not to risk having my camera confiscated. later on, i see plenty of people taking pictures in front of the security guards...so i ended up not getting any pictures of one of the most defining moments of my life, go figure. i was extremely excited because i was one of the first ten people to be let in, so i KNOW i will get a good spot up front...but then i'm escorted to my seat. the entire fucking place is 100% seated...normally, "orchestra" means standing below the stage. but i guess not in this case, which was disappointing. i did have a decent seat though. (i want to go back and see sp again when i can actually stand next to/below them one day.) also, imagine a high school auditorium...because that's what the place looked like. so needless to say, it was an odd place for a smashing pumpkins concert. explosions in the sky were the opening band, which was a nice surprise. reed's very envious of me for that one. i was standing near a family of 8+ while in line, and, unknowingly to me, they were bffs with one of the guys from e.i.t.s...and he was standing two feet away from me for around 30 minutes haha. i also walked past one other member several times when i was lost walking around that damned venue. there was a drunken idiot several rows in front of me who kept pumping his fist into the air during explosions in the sky...he also started a conflict with someone else over his seat and then was escorted out later on by security. based on what he was wearing (white thug+redneck) and how he acted, i have NO clue why he was even there lol. i sat next to a little eight year old boy and his mom most of the time. when i asked if this was his first concert, she said, no, they just went to lollapalooza and some festival in austin (south by southwest, i'm assuming) last year. wtf. i ended up not minding the small/weird auditorium too much because in the end, it felt as if they were playing FOR us instead of TO us, if that makes any sense. they had blinking triangle light effects... sp was glorious, of course, and i really really wish i could put my elation into words, but honestly i'll never be able to describe it. so i guess i'll just say it was a moment in my life i won't forget. sound+light+feelings+memories+nights+peace+veins and, like i mentioned, i really want to see them up close again someday. set list (for memory's sake, i scrawled the song titles on the back of my ticket and later on revised it based on what i found online...shamefully, i couldn't remember the names of some of the new songs): 1. where boys fear to tread (sometimes known as "the bomb") 2. cherub rock 3. drown 4. bring the light 5. tonight 6. tarantula 7. home 8. hummer 9. bullet with butterfly wings 10. god and country (acoustic) 11. 1979 (acoustic...i recorded a bit of this on my cell phone...it's all of have) 12. to sheila 13. set the ray to jerry 14. today 15. stand inside your love 16. united states 17. heavy metal machine 18. starla ...starting with h.m.m., they started doing a weird mash-up of fuzz, covers (rem's "the one i love") and then ended with a "i love rock n' roll" sing a long hahaha. i was worried during this experience that driving for four hours and all of that nervous bullshit would kind of "ruin the magic" for me...and i guess to a degree, it affected it, in some aspect, hence part of the reason why i want to see them again. what i really wanted to say in this blog (which i guess kind of "taints" it), is this: music has always been a major part of my life, to be very general and to say the least. this experience reiterates that for me, along with every song i play, every artist interview i read, every night i spend lying awake in bed for hours just listening. on a superficial level, i don't understand things like "the scene" and, naturally, make fun of its hardcore (ha) participants for their misuse of the beauty of sound. however, this experience helped confirm it on a deeper level to me--i don't understand its shallow dynamics and never will. music is something that means so much to me and i despise whoever started turning/exploiting it into just a status symbol or a way to get laid. yes, these things have been around forever, but more recently, they've exploded all over the place and it's disgusting to me because they're ruining a good chunk of something that should be pure and rare to find. (ear heroin) however, in some ways, i still have hope (this is starting to only make sense to me) because of what it's done for me since i was a child. so here goes a shoutout to all of my old friends: kiss, ac/dc, led zeppelin, janis joplin, reba, martina, hanson, backstreet boys, spice girls, alanis, (here begins the ascent) marilyn manson, trent reznor, billy corgan and the mighty sp, courtney love, kurt cobain, robert smith, conor oberst, elliott smith, radiohead, and mewithoutyou (and many countless others): thank you because you made a lasting impact on my life that you'll never know, and may you stay untainted<3
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| smart single women taking charge of our own lives fest |
[06 Nov 2007|10:45pm] |
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music |
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amy winehouse--you know i'm no good |
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friday: something unmentionable, armed with an exact-o-knife and mace...almost dying. denny's...almost dying. myspace stalking talking about the same shit we always do no matter where we are.
saturday: inner lip tattoos--four hour wait, wawa, cat cuddle puddle, our new bffs who danced to b.e.t. and got chinese food dinner with marcus and sam at rosa's 15 minute nap z2 and fielden's with adam and jerry threats from a random crackhead in a car...almost dying. "that's not funny, asshole!"
sunday: 7/11 on my front porch
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[21 Oct 2007|10:23pm] |
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peaceful |
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radiohead-in rainbows |
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friday: 301=most boring road ever peed at a nasty truck stop stalked by a trucker got stuck behind a school bus mapquest has the worst directions ever. met bff at SHAUN'S workplace fox's...finally met bff ashley! around the clock diner ghost world and amelie "OMG HE'S DRINKING A GIANT GLASS OF MILK!"---"it's a vanilla milkshake." <3seymour saturday in philadelphia: toll booth bff gum tree bff's peace sign bling...my black heart necklace pill purse millions of sex shops condom kingdom NOT only selling condoms :-( smart single woman shirt pulled a random metal slab from my shoe hardcore sex shop--pig mask tried on sex shop outfits lion statue ride the ducks cost fucking $25, so it was a no go tattooed mom's restaurant--oddly amazing sodas, tasty food, cute waiter, visible urinals from my seat eyeliner/lipliner graffiti random guy singing along to "sexual healing" "distractions" "spending all weekend with ky"---"SPENDING ALL WEEKEND WITH KY OMG!!!"---"that's her name!" a shot of love with tila tequila rutter's sunday: belly "fuck knowledge! nigga, now roll me a blunt!" rico...omaha, nebraska? who knew. knowledge and sincere aka sin breakfast by casey's mom emo max mcdonald's ps--sadly, we were not really "homeless" in philadelphia...we decided to maybe save that for richmond sometime. also, now we want to go to: asheville, nc road trip to las vegas! (after i graduate) omaha? haha. who knew. this picture sums up the entire weekend:

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[03 Oct 2007|08:04pm] |
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some tattoos i want to eventually get:
(will be updated as necessary)
 ^both cds of "mellon collie and the infinite sadness" on the backs of my arms above my elbows. i guess i'll figure out the noses when the time comes. this is my favorite album of all time and means so much to me personally...basically it represents the contrasting parts of my personality and life.
 ^my "soulmate," the two-headed boy. this is artwork from a comic called "the ballad of the two headed boy." possibly done on my wrist. originally, i wanted to get a gem in ashes inspired by something i wrote about the person i'm always looking for in the back of my mind, but then i was inspired by neutral milk hotel's "two-headed boy."
i want to get "flamethrower"...probably on the very top of my back/bottom of my neck. inspired by this mewithoutyou song: "flamethrower"
i'm also thinking about:
-something to do with this bright eyes song: "arienette"
-something to do with a black heart
-something on my achilles' heel to symbolize weakness
-also, not that i would ever get this, but i think it would be amazing to get the entire lyrics of the smiths' "how soon is now" tattooed on yourself...only in blacklight activated ink, so it's only visible when you go out.
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[02 Oct 2007|11:03pm] |
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this is why i love radiohead:
How Much Is Radiohead Worth to You?
Posted Oct 2nd 2007 12:57PM by TMZ Staff Filed under: Music The new Radiohead album, "In Rainbows," could be yours for the low, low price of $0. Or for the low, low price of $5. Or $10. It's totally your call. Beginning next week, the band is making its new CD available online -- and they're leaving the price blank -- pay whatever you want!
Think of it as the "take a penny, give a penny" tray at 7-Eleven -- but instead of a penny, you get the new Radiohead album! What'll ya give?
i just pre-ordered the new album for $1! (plus a .45 credit card charge)
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[29 Sep 2007|10:25pm] |
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um, i think something crazy is about to happen.
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[25 Sep 2007|06:14pm] |
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someone got hit by a car near my house today.
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[24 Sep 2007|11:06pm] |
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yeah yeah yeahs-maps |
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friday: jerry's birthday. him and adam pregamed with champagne at my place. we decided to be lindsay lohan (me), britney spears (jerry), and paris hilton (adam) for halloween! we walked to the atm and possibly heard the vcu siren...? gave jerry 20 bucks. went to 7/11. saw "snoop dog" with a bald spot in his cornrows. discussed it with the girl behind me. saw movie gallery boy a few people behind me. he probably thought i was a drunken lush because i was so loud. but i wasn't on anything...i was just amused by snoop dog. i was the dd. drove jerry's car. drank a blue energy drink. went to z2. talked to some kid cory--a friend of jerry's. he's cute as a button--he looks 13. requested and danced to "umbrella" and "promiscuous girl." walked to fielden's with some friends of adam's. hung out with those same people...two gay boys (cory and caustin), and a straight couple (adam and tina). threesome/orgy jokes. i told an older gay man who complimented on cory's hair that i put in the "extensions" and that i run an out of the home business called "niquesha's hair." drunken jerry and adam were fussing with each other the whole night. we walked back to our car in the rain at 4:30 in the morning. a crazy homeless woman talking to herself may have been following us. i started freaking out because some guy stopped his car and i thought he was going to rape us. jerry kept kicking a bunch of signs...i think he was mad b/c his birthday didn't turn out the way that he wanted and that he didn't get laid lol. but i thought it was pretty decent fun.
saturday: went back to prince george so my mom could dye my hair. she ended up accidentally dyeing the roots orange...i kept telling her the entire time that it was the wrong color, but she "knew what she was doing." of course afterwards, i made her drive to get some black dye. i really want bleach blonde hair, btw. like courtney love bleach blonde. chilled with my cat. hung out with miranda, val, fletcher, and j-boo. went to a church thing...miranda got me to go b/c she said there was a hot boy who just turned legal hahaha. the church thing turned out to be not so bad...i'm definitely not into that stuff, but they seemed to be authentic and people were nice to me. valary has a mad crush on that boy...jackson. she made him a bday card...he calls her "tyrome"...i signed it "jamal" with "xcripsx" and then i drew a picture of a gun. i filled out a vistor's card. we went out to roma's to eat afterwards...we (me, miranda, fletcher) kept writing "love notes" to jackson from "valary" on napkins and paper towels...my favorite one was "68...i owe you 1" hahahaha. we kept trying to get jackson to go out to a strip club since it WAS his 18th bday...however, he declined. miranda got his number for valary so they can "hang out" next friday. on the ride back to miranda's, fletcher prank called jackson, saying, "sorry, i called the wrong jackson" ahahahahaha...the most stupid thing ever, but i was laughing about it the rest of the night. we hung out with this kid bryant, who j-boo has a crush on. we prank called later on...fletcher and i called waffle house saying we needed to have a roped off a v.i.p. area...and i said we need platinum napkin holders. i also prank called jackson saying my name was "veronica"...but i lost service. woh woh. i spent the night at MY house on saturday...i slept in my own bed...which is always the best feeling ever.
sunday: finished up my hw. nothing major.
today: patio party and portfolio were cancelled because our teacher was sick=hurray. i watched a clockwork orange. chilled. that's about it...i should be doing hw, but i have off all day tomorrow=sweet.
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[19 Sep 2007|10:26pm] |
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surprised |
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neutral milk hotel-song against sex |
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From anything we could call loving Any love worth living for So I'll sleep out in the gutter You can sleep here on the floor And when I wake up in the morning I forgot to lock the door Because with a match that's mean and some gasoline You won't see me anymore
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[18 Sep 2007|11:09pm] |
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you're the reason i feel pain/it feels good to feel again.
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[16 Sep 2007|10:07pm] |
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cold |
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music |
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the smiths-how soon is now |
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this weekend was pretty decent. on friday, kim and i went to hancock, dollar general, staples, and kroger for some stuff. then we (plus nicole) went to nara and i had some AMAZING salmon, avocado, and cream cheese sushi (philly roll, i believe). i saw a boy with some beautiful tattoos. then i walked in the pouring rain with my leopard print umbrella to the library to rent a clockwork orange, but all the videos were "missing," so i walked even farther to movie gallery on lombardy street. of course it was checked out there, and there were no copies of 300 available, so i rented american hardcore: the history of american punk rock 1980-1986 and possibly semi-flirted with the boy who works there about henry rollins. then i came home, had some quality "me" time, and then wrote an incredibly spiteful blog about my ex boyfriend on myspace. i woke up at 2 pm on saturday and had a sore throat. that night, jerry and i went out to godfrey's where we saw plenty of celebrity look-a-likes (britney spears, 50 cent, kanye west, jonathan taylor thomas, jude law, k-fed, vanilla ice, queen latifah--she stepped on my foot, and uncle phil from the fresh prince of bel-air). when a certain drag queen was nearby, jerry announced at the top of his lungs that she tried to fuck him on gay.com. jerry also attracted some psycho from denver (?) named "james wright, as in mr. right" who ordered him to not smoke, called shotgun in my car on the way to z2 without even asking if he could ride with me, questioned me about jerry's sexual lifestyle (i told him that he was simply a smart, single woman in control of her own life), and then caused a scene in front of a boy jerry is somewhat interested in. he also disappeared for 20 minutes and came back with a drink he insisted that jerry "help him drink" but never touched himself. of course, we tried to ditch Psycho while leaving z2, but he ran behind us screaming, "i will not be played!" and luckily for him, i gave him a ride back to his fucking hotel, even after he proceeded to argue with my best friend in the car and insult him. my theory is that he's a "straight" man who wanted a gay fling while out of town, and when it didn't go his way, he freaked out. anyway, jerry crashed at my place, and today we got snacks at 7/11 and sat on my front porch. i watched some middle aged cunt back into a car in front of us twice without even a care, so i left a note on the person's car with the license plate number, even though there wasn't a dent. i'm such a do-gooder! when i was about to tape the note, i saw another girl back into a car right in front of me, but she actually had the decency to get out and check (no damage), so i didn't leave a note on their car haha.
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[14 Sep 2007|01:58pm] |
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despite how uneventful it usually is, i want to start documenting my life more.
last night jerry helped me straighten my hair so i could actually wear it down. it looked amazingly trashy and i wish i had taken some pictures. his hair had a lot of product in it, and it looked "ethnic." my roommate's friend even thought he was hispanic haha. then we went to piccola's=the first time i've been there. it wasn't that great, and it took forever for them to make my one slice of pepperoni pizza. i went to 7/11 to buy stuff to pregame. we almost got hit by a car that came out of nowhere while crossing cary street. i wore my 70s sunglasses that are no longer functional because the film on the lenses cracked in my car's heat. mars bar was okay. mofo and adam were there, and fabulous CG times ensued. a certain someone shot loaded glances at jerry every now and then. adam almost got gay bashed. jerry's mirror, which was already somewhat broken, was completely hanging off when we returned to his car.
lately i'm in love with yellow and orange eyeshadow. jaundice is so in right now. i want to wear my special purple heart "love" scarf i got at the silk discount factory in italy, but i can never find anything to wear it with, and scarves look weird on me.
i need to practice parallel parking.
i've walked around three miles in an hour on monday, wednesday, and thursday this week. i've kept up with my healthy eating habits. i've lost a few more pounds this week.
i ordered swatches on sunday and they're still not here, and i need them for monday. fuck.
ps-i love family matters! and all old 90s sitcoms for that matter.
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[06 Sep 2007|11:06am] |
you remain. i am stained.
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| the trap i set for you seems to have caught my leg instead. |
[02 Aug 2007|12:47pm] |
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exanimate |
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the smashing pumpkins |
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Three years ago, I wrote that things were hopeless—that there was hardly anyone out there compatible with me and that I had no options. And now I'm back to the beginning again. Initially, I (along with everyone else) was shocked that my boyfriend of three years and I had broken up, especially since HE was the one who had broken up with ME because our relationship had deflated. I saw the breakup coming and I had planned it out in my mind months before, but I never saw him ending it, and it was a slap in the face. This has been one of the hardest facts to deal with—that I hadn't made this decision, and this somehow made me feel like a weak person. Now I wonder why I hadn't made that choice sooner, and in the end it DOES boil down to a weakness of mine—I'm scared of being alone for long periods of time. I can deal with being alone for a while, and I don't necessarily NEED someone in my life, but I do want that for myself—who doesn't? If I learned anything from this relationship where the focus was rarely on my own needs, it's that my "weakness" is only human. However, it was wrong and unhealthy to stay in a relationship where that was a problem—it wasn't the only reason—I would change my opinion almost daily of what I wanted to happen with him, but in my heart, I always knew what was real and what would eventually happen. When all of my emotional debris had settled (surprisingly only a few days later), I saw the past three years from an outsider's point of view. It wasn't a horrible relationship, but it was only a great one every now and then, especially towards the first few months of our relationship. In fact, (and I cringe when I look back on this now to think about all the time that was wasted) after about six months, I had started to feel the same way as I did towards the end of it—that the effort I put forth didn't match what I was receiving, probably because of the effort given to improving his own life. In almost every aspect of my life, I consider myself a hard worker—at work, at school, and at relationships. In this relationship, I believe that I put forth 100% for the majority of the past three years, and in return, I only received about 40 or 50% at best. I was never treated horribly—I wasn't cheated on, I wasn't abused or anything equally tragic, but I was never treated excellently, the way I felt that I should be from time to time. I'm not the type to need flowers and candy at every date, or to need the door held for me, but I need some type of reassurance that I'm special to you because I treat you the same way—it's only fair…and why wouldn't you want to do those things for someone that you care about? Why would you continually put forth C effort in your life and your relationship when your significant other puts forth A effort most of the time? And why did I even put up with this for so long? As I analyze the past three years more and more, I realize I was part of the problem too for allowing myself to be treated in a mediocre way when I hate mediocrity so much. I wanted him to change and to be more motivated because I cared about him and knew he had potential, but also so that he would be a better boyfriend to me, and I found out the hard way that you can't change anyone, especially if they don't want to change themselves. One thing I did wrong in this relationship is constantly bringing up things that he could try differently to achieve his goals, or pointing out things that could be fixed, and it was wrong because of the way that I did it—if you love someone, you should love them for who they are; if you love someone, you'll want to fix a problem—despite my hardest efforts, none of these things ever happened. Three years later, I've grown as a person, but he still chooses to be the same, and that's fine. Maybe he needs someone who's comfortable with receiving only the basics in a relationship, but now I realize that I deserve more because I GIVE more…maybe it's because I care more, maybe it's because I have more motivation, maybe it's because I want more. I've left this relationship realizing that I keep on getting stronger and more independent as a person, but that I also depend on having people around more then I've thought. I don't need a relationship every second of my life, but I do need friends and people who care about me. In my life, I eventually want to be in a lasting relationship where I never feel used or taken advantage of, where I'm treated like I'm special every now and then, and where the other person is my equal in all aspects…but I don't necessarily need it right now, and I'm fine with that. I asked myself recently, "What did I get out of this relationship that I couldn't have received from anyone else?" Honestly, I couldn't think of an answer besides that I've learned to never allow this to happen to myself again. I deserve better.
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[23 Jul 2007|06:49pm] |
school starts back up again in exactly one month. boo.
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[19 Jul 2007|08:12pm] |
The Everything Test There are many different types of tests on the internet today. Personality tests, purity tests, stereotype tests, political tests. But now, there is one test to rule them all. Traditionally, online tests would ask certain questions about your musical tastes or clothing for a stereotype, your experiences for a purity test, or deep questions for a personality test.We're turning that upside down - all the questions affect all the results, and we've got some innovative results too! Enjoy :-) | Personality | You are more emotional than logical, more concerned about self than concerned about others, more atheist than religious, more dependent than loner, more lazy than workaholic, more traditional than rebel, more engineering mind than artistic mind, more cynical than idealist, more leader than follower, and more introverted than extroverted.
As for specific personality traits, you are adventurous (88%), romantic (86%), innovative (86%), greedy (64%). | | | Stereotypes | | Punk Rock | 93% | | College Student | 91% | | Prep | 69% | | | | Life Experience | | Sex | 13% | | Substances | 38% | | Travel | 21% | | Politics Your political views would best be described as Socialist, whom you agree with around 67% of the time. | | Socioeconomic Your attitude toward life best associates you with Middle Class. You make more than 33% of those who have taken this test, and 88% less than the U.S. average. | If your life was a movie, it would be rated G. By the way, your hottness rank is 57%, hotter than 37% of other test takers. | TAKE THE TEST brought to you by thatsurveysite
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